What Kind of Drunk Are You?

“Not all drunks are made the same”-Unknown

It feels good to sit on the other side of the bar. For more than 10 years, I dealt with the entire spectrum of drunks. Now, as I sit comfortably sipping a Crown Royal neat, with a beer back, I wonder where I stand (or sit) in the drunken world of last calls and raging hangovers. I’m not a mean drunk. In fact, I tend to open doors for people, after I imbibe more than my fair share of booze. Am I a sloppy, inconsiderate, or annoying drunk? I never turn into an uncoordinated boob that can barely string together the words required to place a McDonald’s to go order at one in the morning. Yes, I stumble into bed at times, but I always remember my indiscretions, as great as they may be.

What kind of drunk am I and more important, what kind of drunk are you?

Sad Drunk

Bartenders loathe sad drunks, since melancholy drunks tend to open up about personal problems, as the drinks begin to take effect. Sad drunks create misery for everyone that crosses their paths, from the bar customer on the next stool to the convenience store clerk that just took a hit of Cannabis outside to deal with difficult customers. You can sit next to a sad drunk for a few hours and not notice any issues. Eventually, the brooding sad drunk opens a floodgate of tears or reprises how shitty life has treated him or her. If you had a bad day or received news that puts you in a sullen mood, avoid alcohol at all costs. No one wants to be around a downer during happy hour.

Evel Knievel

Have you ever imbibed enough booze to feel invincible? Welcome to the world of the Evel Knievel drunk. This reckless drunk downs a few Jager bombs and transforms into Superman. Evel Knievel drunks do reckless things like skateboard, slide down long rails, or play mumbly peg, with an extra sharp chef’s knife. The reckless nature of the Evel Knievel drunk stems from the desire to be the life of the party. However, the problem is you inevitably turn into the jackass of the party. Whenever you notice people taking away your playthings during a drinking binge, you have become an Evel Knievel drunk.

Happy is as Happy Does

Are you one of the party goers that defy the depressant effect of alcohol by walking around in a state of bliss all evening? If that describes you, then you are one of the best kinds of drunks. Happy drunks tell funny jokes and walk around with perpetual grins, which can be annoying after awhile, but also completely harmless. Everything you do is awesome and you say the word awesome dozens of times throughout the evening. Even the guy getting arrested across the street is “awesome.” Happy drunks tend to carry a walk on water type mystique, as most people rarely, if ever enter the happy drunk stage. Just remember that some people resent your drunken happiness.

You Think, Therefore You’re Not

Alcohol typically dumbs people down, especially in large quantities, but you may be one of the minority of party goers that breaks out your Aristotle during a bender. Philosophical drunks typically keep personal thoughts deep inside their psyche, until a few cocktails coax out the words of wisdom. Do you wax poetic after a few drinks at a cocktail party? Do you present deep words of wisdom that surprise your closest friends? If you answer yes, then you may be a philosophical drunk. Beware, because during your drunken monologues, you might turn the question of ‘What is the meaning of life” into an extended incoherent rambling of disparate thoughts.

Sleazy Drunk

Let’s face it. Even biggest prudes turn into sleaze balls after a few cocktails. Alcohol lowers inhibitions and lots of alcohol eradicates social norm boundaries. Sleazy drunks make passes at everyone and everything, from the reputed virgin standing under the mistletoe to the family dog. It starts with lewd comments meant more to shock than awe, but sometimes it turns into overt sexual advances of the most inappropriate kind. Sleazy drunks exhibit creepy behavior and if that describes you, then you might want to send your regrets to the next cocktail party invitation.

Other types of drunks include the Rodney Dangerfield drunk (can’t stop telling jokes), DJ drunk (bugs the DJ to play certain songs and dances to the songs out of step), sober drunk (discovers the unkind reality of life), and hateful drunk (makes fun of everyone). You can be more than one type of drunk and that makes you the worst drunk of all: the Sybil drunk.

The next time you throw a party stocked by BeerRightNow (we’re invited right?!)  see if you can identify the types of drunks staggering around your home. If you notice a drunk rarely seen in public, drop us a message (with pic!) on Twitter @ BeerRightNow!