What the Alcohol Labels Should Really Say

Here’s an article just for laughs.  We all have our nicknames for various alcohols, so we here at BeerRightNow asked around and found the top names for what each bottle of alcohol should really say.  These are far too hilarious not to share, so you’re welcome.

1. Wine – We know wine gets a bad rep sometimes.  That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t order some from BeerRightNow, though!  I have to admit that even I am guilty of stereotyping wine as the drink for single women who are sad about where their life has ended up.  And for that reason, if Wine were accurately labeled, it would be called “Crying Alone”.  Genius right?!  Yeah, we know.

2. Jagermeister – Jager is not for the faint at heart, especially if that heart is one that doesn’t care much for the taste of black licorice.  However, mixing with some red bull or coke can easily make this drinkable and in large quanitites.  The bad part is how it makes you feel afterward.  May I introduce to you the true label for Jagermeister: Vomit Everywhere!

3. Cinnamon Whiskey – Don’t get us wrong.  If you can drink cinnamon whiskey straight and get over the sting of the cinnamon mixed with the burn of alcohol, you definitely deserve a reward.  However, too much and you’ll end up like every other drunkard, blacked out and probably naked.  For this reason, cinnamon whiskey should be more appropriately termed Blackout.

4. Rum – Probably one of the sweeter liquors, this label if it were adequately titled would simply say Sugar.

5. Vodka – The cheap, go to drink that will get you drunk fast makes it easy for you to make friends anywhere.  You’ll be so drunk you won’t know if you’re talking to a complete stranger, a rapist, or an actual friend of yours!  If you don’t plan to make new acquaintances, you should probably stay away.

6. Tequila – As an old friend of mine used to say, “Tequila will make you take your clothes off.”  Well, whether that’s true or not, it will certainly bring out the inner fiesta you have hiding under the sombrero in the corner of your subconscious.  One of the more potent liquors, I’d suggest you are careful when drinking it.  Otherwise you’ll end up doing exactly what the label should say which is “Dancing on Tables”.  Notice the 100% Regret…it’s true.

7. Whiskey – Whiskey can be really strong, especially when enjoyed alone.  We’ve been known to do some crazy things here at BeerRightNow, but Whiskey just elevates the level of savage.  If you decide to indulge anyway, take my advice and HIDE YOUR PHONE.  Why, you ask?  Well, remember that ex that you were madly in love with but never talk to anymore because you want them to believe you have moved on?  Yeah, you’ll most likely end up sending out an embarrassing, heart-felt mushy message to them under the influence of whiskey.  Or, as the label reads, you might even make a trip over there.  Don’t say you weren’t warned.

These are just a few label parodies, but there are many MANY more that we (or you) could come up with.  If anything, hopefully you got some comic relief.  Maybe advice?  Either way, don’t forget to buy your booze stash from us here at BeerRightNow.com.  We don’t promise to have honest labels, but we do promise to have good prices and hey, what’s better than that?!  Cheers.